What's important

Recently, I haven't been able to have as much fun as I'd like. With the start of school again this month, not to mention the fact that it's my final semester of grad school, life has already started to become hectic. So much homework! There are long chapters to read, pointless discussion boards to keep track of, comprehensive exams to prepare for... On top of that, jobs to juggle and advancement opportunities to pursue... ahhh being a grown-up is really not easy. It's really not easy...


Most of my family actually isn't living with me right now. They are overseas, in the region we all plan to live in once everything settles down. The long-term goal is to finish up this degree, find a good job overseas, and then everyone can live comfortably and together. It's a good goal. I miss my family... it's weird to think I haven't hugged my parents since August last year! And now, I'm realizing that it will be the first year I am not able to be with my parents on our birthdays... :'(

I know many people look forward to the time when they can GIT OUT of their parents' house and be free from their CLUTCHES... and be INDEPENDENT. Hmm, I guess it's different for each person... some people grow up in a household where they eventually come to feel that way. I'm grateful that I was raised in a caring, loving home and without feeling trapped and eager to be emancipated. It must be sad to be apart from your family and not know what missing feels like.

I like coming back to write on this blog, even if I do it infrequently. You can have a game blog and a school blog and a professional blog and many other blogs, but it's very nice to have a place to just write how you feel without thinking about categorizing and proofreading and whatnot. It feels nice to be silly or thoughtful, or both at once, and not really worry about it. In real life, being silly doesn't always work out so well. It's not easy to be laid back and happy when people expect you to get work done efficiently and stress you out on top of that... I should stop before I start wallowing in negativity again.

Today I had to deliver a presentation to a colleague's class. It was a 30-minute talk that was originally supposed to be given by my supervisor, but instead it got passed off to me. I spent the rest of last week and the weekend with butterflies in my stomach... I've never been good with giving presentations and talking to large crowds. It's weird... when I go to work or class, I can speak normally and I'm not shy... but when I have to present in front of lots of people, I get really nervous! And this time, it was really an irrational fear... the audience this time were all undergraduates just hooked to their phones, anyway. But there was this one girl with really anorexic arched eyebrows who, instead of facing the front of the class where the screen was, spent the entire 30 minutes with her chair swiveled around facing me at the back of the class with this look of utter disbelief. I guess she could tell how nervous I was. My voice was shaking at the beginning, even though I drank chamomile tea and plenty of water, but by the midway point it had stopped shaking. I just really need to work on my public speaking! But it's the kind of thing where you think "I need to work on it!" but taking steps toward it is very difficult to motivate yourself to do, thanks to memories of past experiences that make you cringe... haha...

Hmm, I wonder why I sound so jaded and dull. I remember my old posts here used to be a lot more frivolous and happy. Well, maybe not necessarily happy, because I recall ranting a lot then as well, but definitely more frivolous. It sounds funny but lately I just feel more reflective. Not necessarily more calm and collected, but just more reflective. I guess it's just not as easy to be lighthearted when there's so much going on in your life. When does it all start to slow down, though? Sometimes, when I start to wish that life would stop blazing by at such a breakneck speed, I worry that something terrible will happen, like someone important to me passing away or getting seriously injured. And then one thing would lead to another, and by some weird twisted consequence, I would have to leave work or school and thus "get a break." But then I realize that thinking like that is fruitless and ridiculous, and the reason, maybe, that I'm starting to have grey hair... at 21.

Worrying is so weird... I hate it but it's somehow addictive. Not like I enjoy it, but just that I can't stop myself and my overactive imagination from conjuring all these impossibly terrible ways that things could go wrong. The problem is that no matter how much you convince yourself that you're being pessimistic and ridiculous, every once in a while life will throw you a curve ball and prove one of your worries right. Then it's like a horoscope; you're just waiting for the next worry to be true, as well. And it's so easy to dismiss or forget when they're proven wrong.

Maybe it's better to just stay little. The more you live, the more things you know could go wrong in life... When you're little, it starts off small -- worrying about toys or food or absent family. You don't know enough of the world to imagine things that could go wrong. But once you grow up, unless you live in a bubble or are incredibly spoiled, you'll be forced to learn about important adult stuff, all of which can be messed up by a careless mistake and then go on to mess up your life. Jobs, money, houses, bills, important papers, important papers that weren't properly certified, credit cards, people, displeasing people at the slightest thing...

I see that most of these deal with money. No surprise there. Maybe if we all just lived a simple life and didn't have to worry about making tons of money or even an average amount of money... just enough money, then life would be more straightforward, less twisty and stressful. But most importantly, I think, is finding out what's important to you and being near it. For some people, maybe it's money, cruise ships, and large houses on the beach. Or feeling accomplished in their career, or feeling popular and sought after. For me, it will always be family. No matter how or where we're living, as long as we're together, I know I'll be happy.