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Lately, I've been feeling gloomy and pessimistic a lot. It's hard to pinpoint where exactly all of this negativity is coming from, and in a way, I think it's actually a combination of many things/factors/events. If I had to make a list of what's been bothering me recently, it would look something like this (descending order):

1. having to go back to school.
2. the negativity on the websites I've been lurking around.
3. feeling like I'm not excelling in writing poems/stories or drawing.

#1: well, I don't really care if I sound like a dunce just for saying that. Even though I hate to go to school, at the end of the day, I will still study hard and complete my assignments, so that's not a problem here. The problem is that I made the mistake (as I do pretty much every year) of getting too relaxed over winter break, and then being horribly stuck in that fluffy-brained stupor well into the first month or so of the semester. So far, I've managed to readjust my waking-up schedule to the point where getting up early is not such a big deal anymore, but slogging through just six hours of classes is still really physically and mentally taxing on me. Ugh. Shame on me. My parents work so much harder than I do every day, and so do my older siblings, and yet none of them whine half as much as I do. I need to stop being such a fragile pansy and buff up. And I need to start drinking more water and taking my iron pills more consistently. 

#2: meh, this one is just plain my fault. Many of the websites I tend to visit just happen to be boiling pits of wank and negativity, so I shouldn't be the least bit surprised that it's starting to rub off on me. I especially, really need to stay away from BA, because everyone on there is either fighting all the time or giving their idiotic opinions that make no sense at all and make you want to facepalm forever. (I was thinking of posting a "facepalming forever" pic right here before realizing that it would just add more negativity. Wow! lol) I think spending less time on BA, tumblr, etc. would make me feel less ugh/yuck and would let me use my time more productively. And anyway, I don't really get anything out of those websites other than the occasional updates about some manga and animes that I follow.

#3: bleh, I don't even feel like getting into this one very much. I feel so depressed about not being able to draw pictures as nicely as I want, not being able to write poems as often and as skillfully as I would like to... I always get into drawing "phases," where I become super inspired to draw, draw, draw, but then when I set my drawings aside for a couple of days and then come back to them, I always feel incredibly disappointed!! I know I should try to have realistic expectations for myself, but it's so frustrating to realize that all my hard works ends up looking like crap anyway. :( And I like writing poems a lot, but I've been having such a huge block for the past idk how long, and I can't feel inspired to write anything... Again, a lot of that has to do with me rereading my old stuff and then cringing like a wounded rhino when I realize how stupid and pretentious my poems sound!! I just wish I could write even 1/2 as good as Adrienne Rich or Sylvia Plath or Dorothy Parker, or 1/4 as insightful as Emily Dickinson. But their stuff just feels leagues and leagues away, so immeasurably far away that I feel really unmotivated to even try to write anymore. Every now and then, I write down snatches of possible poem lines as they come to me, but when I look over my notes later, they really seem to be just that: a bunch of random lines and unfinished thoughts that I don't have the skillz to finish properly. I shouldn't keep using all of this as an excuse to not try, but it really feels like simply mustering the motivation to sit down and write or draw is more than just half the battle.

Honestly, I feel guilty about writing up this rant-y post, because I feel so ungrateful. I have a loving family, have a roof over my head, am getting a good education, have a good religion, so I feel kinda wtf? about complaining like this, about having to go to school or about not feeling like I'm excelling in my hobbies, when there are people in the world who will never be able to receive an education or pursue a hobby because they don't possess the means or because they must fulfill other obligations. Nevertheless, I did need to write all of this down and get it off of my chest, so at least I was able to do so. But I think I need to count my blessings now instead of complaining.

Anyway, I want to end this post on a more positive note, so here are some pics of a cute HK bracelet I got,  my fwamu Nyu being cute, and a recent drawing I'm working on:

Nyu! <3

I know my drawing is ugly. ._. I just have to keep practicing. Well, goodnight!